It's a beautiful Sabbath morning and I'm just sitting in my rocking chair, listening to my favorite Christian radio station, and feeling at peace.
Last night was a hard night. I tend to keep things (things = feelings) in for awhile until the bottle overflows and the feelings end up bursting out. This has been something that I've done all of my life and I guess last night was just one of those nights when I reached the boiling point.
I don't know what is up with me?!? I'm trying so hard to change everything around me to suit my happiness but I know the one thing I need to change is my attitude. I just don't know how? I'm getting really frustrated with this...
I hate how your head and your heart don't always match up. I know in my head that I need to change my way of thinking. I know that I'm too controlling, I'm too picking, I'm too much of a perfectionist. I know all these things but I can't seem to get from those things all the way over to being happy and content. I know that they say (whoever "they" is) that you can only change yourself...well I'm trying here and I can't seem to do that! I also know that things can't be done alone and God steps in and takes over...well, I've asked God and I still feel "unchanged". What's going on here?!?
Please pray for me. I'm okay...don't worry about me. I just need some prayer. This is definitely my struggle right now and I can't do it alone. I need to change my heart into a happy one, a content one, and a heart that is completely given over to Jesus so that I can give Him complete control. This is scary for me....I don't like losing control, but I can't take it anymore...I can't have the control...I don't want it anymore. I understand, now, that this is why God should be in control in the first place - only He has the ability to keep things running and going...I just screw it up and get grumpy.
God, take my heart! Change it so that I don't want the control over everything and make it so much more unappealing than it already is so I will never want it ever again!
I understand your frustration Hills. I have been and still am in the same boat in many ways. I've watched my "life as I had planned it" slip away over the last couple of years, and that has been incredibly difficult. But now, as I sit on the other side (or what I hope is the other side), it's kind of just as difficult. Just in a different way. Anyway, I will keep you in my prayers if you would do the same for me. Control is a hard thing to lose.. in any area of your life. :)
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